Depression. Worries for the future.

 I know I couldn't write about what happened to Jason last summer, right away because I had no way of remembering my password to this account, let alone had internet access. But anyway, it's now been 6 months since he passed unexpectedly and I'm finding myself, where do I go from here? This is so not where I intended to be in life. I did NOT want to be single again at the age of 37. Last year did NOT end for me the way I wanted it to. I think about how a year ago today, Jason was still here, but his drinking had gotten really bad. I'll admit as I have, it has gotten somewhat easier to live by myself in the apartment that we found together, 4 years ago. But it would still be nice to have someone, an actual person to come home to who isn't drunk, and still be able to tell them what happened today. Ever since he left, life has been dull. Now that I'm once again living alone, I don't have much of anything better to do or anywhere to go. Everyday is pretty much the same, but maybe that's just because it's winter time. I stay up late, I go to bed, I get woken up everyday at somewhere between 3 and 5am, because my cats that I still have think I need to feed them that early in the morning.Then, I eventually go back to bed, and find myself sleeping in until either somewhere between 9am and 11am. I get up, feed myself breakfast, get showered and dressed and go to the gym, swim for about an hour, and then I come home. It just seems like when you're single and you're living by yourself, and it's winter time, life just isn't as exciting as it could be.I mean, it's nice to be able to come and go whenever you want, where ever you want, when you're living alone. But otherwise home just isn't home if you have no one to share it with. Hopefully, some of this changes as the year progresses.

 On one hand, I know I'm not in any shape to go out with anyone new. I am going to have to give myself a good 18 months to 2 years before I can possibly go with someone new.But at the same time, I'm afraid I'll never find someone who will be as great to me and will have all the things I look for when it comes to personality, like I did with Jason, who at the same time, maybe takes better care of himself, but at the same time, is very close to me in age, but a little bit older. Also someone who likes to actually do things with me, who is also easy to talk to, enjoys traveling, likes animals but is also understanding of the fact that I have ADHD, Asperger's Syndrome, learning disabilities, and PTSD, and doesn't use any of this against me, as well as the fact that I was with Jason for close to 11 years, but the reason we're not together anymore is because he unexpectedly passed away, and that Jason and I once had something very special, we loved each other very much, and that he won't make me get rid of anything in the apartment that might have belonged to Jason, due to sentimental value. I hope he has enough respect for me and cares enough about me in that aspect, and that he's someone I know I can talk to about anything and everything, and we agree on a lot of the same things. Including the fact that what my cousin's wife said about it being a good thing that Jason died was wrong on many levels, and that just for that, if we ever get married, we just won't invite her to our wedding, if he ends up being the one. I would also want him to not just brush me off if I get frustrated with him for something, and he's more willing to listen. And I also want him to be someone who loves animals, and will love it that I have 2 cats, even if they are from my relationship with Jason, will let me keep them. I also hope he likes traveling to places like the Wisconsin Dells, Orlando, Florida, to do water parks and theme parks, but also doesn't mind traveling to other parts of the states if it's just to see relatives on either my parent's side of the family, or his. I also hope he's someone who can also be independent like Jason as far as having his own car, insurance, that he's able to travel on the freeway, not that I'm a gold digger, or anything. If there's anything good I've gotten from being with Jason, he's hopefully expanded my views or whatever you want to call it, on what kind of things it is I do want to look for should I be with someone after Jason the next time around, as well as what I don't want. Yes, I would also want him to be my best friend as well as my significant other. Yes I would want him to be able to often reciprocate all the good things I do for him. And if he does have any positive similarities as well as personality, between him and Jason, I hope I can still love him for who he is. I'm sure I will. All I know is, I want someone who is a lot like Jason, in a good way, who can also help me grow. And maybe hopefully, he will be that person who ends up proposing to me, and I won't have to be with him nearly as long as I was with Jason, only for it to end up not happening, because his addiction took him away from me, more or less.