Struggling

 I know I probably shouldn't be writing about this on here. When going to the autism group meeting tonight, it was good to see the people there who I consider my friends. But as far as conversations going on, I feel like it's hard to stick to 1 conversation with just 1 group of people. I feel like everyone is talking around me and nobody cares what I have to say about anything. At the same time, I feel like I want to talk to people at group but don't know what to talk about. Just feeling so trapped in my mind. I feel like if there's something I want to talk about, nobody cares to hear about it, anyway. I also at times feel like I have so much to say to everyone, and not enough time to say it. 

 Also feeling confused about this relationship I'm in with this person from group. I know I promised myself I would never date any of my guy friends I met from my group meetings. And I don't know if I see myself with him long term, or not. I think the closest I'll ever come to getting married ever again will be from when I was with Jason. I still think of the times we've had. I've never wanted him to become just a memory, like this. I think about how he would have handled things in contrast to how Adam handles things, and I just want to be with someone who handles things more like an adult. At the same time, I don't like him criticizing how I act, saying I'm more or less acting like a child. At the same time, I'm scared to tell him that I just want to be friends, because I'm afraid of his reaction. There are things I do enjoy doing with him, yes. But I feel that I"m happier when I'm not hanging around him as much. And what's the point of hanging out with someone, when they're going to be so negative about everything I like to do, anyway? But I know I don't want him out of my life, though. We can't even agree on where to live if we were ever to move in together. And if we can't agree on that, how do we ever expect to agree on plans for a future wedding if we ever got married? I guess I might as well accept that if we can't agree on those things, it's just not going to work out. I know I don't want to move to Milwaukee, and I like where I live. Honestly, I'm not so sure what I'm going to do with my life. It's so hard not to be so co-dependent on other people. 

I don't think I"m ever going to have it as good with anyone as I had it with Jason, and when I think of how I used to ride around with him in Waukesha and Milwaukee county in his car, before we even moved in together and he drank as often as he did before he died, I just wish I could have those moments with him back. I don't know how some people do this? I don't understand how anyone can start dating again, after they've lost a spouse. I feel like I just can't do anything without Jason. And I honestly don't know how I'm going to do it without him. I don't see myself getting married to Adam, after some of the stuff I've seen and heard him say and do. I want that best friend, like I did with Jason where I feel just so comfortable with him, I could just talk to that person about anything and everything. I don't think I'll ever have that with anyone like I did with him. I want someone who's spontaneous and is even willing to travel with me anywhere and isn't too picky about where we go. I know I want someone who will also have that empathy for me and will be there when I need him to be there both physically and emotionally. I also want someone who will respect my property and not touch it without my consent. I want someone who will understand I was with Jason for almost 11 years and might still want to hold on to his belongings for sentimental reasons and won't take the liberty with it without my consent and also accepts the cats from my relationship with Jason. Will also understand that I still might struggle with grieving him and if I want to do things to honor his memory. I also want him to be someone who might know how to handle situations more like an adult and is able to figure out ways to get around things like Jason did, but also knows how to have fun and enjoys doing a lot of the same fun stuff I enjoy doing. Maybe also knows ways to handle some social scenarios like Jason did, where I can just go to him, and he can tell me exactly how to handle it the right way without being controlling.  And I want someone who's emotionally stable but at the same time we get each other, and we know how to be patient with each other. I don't want someone constantly making me feel like the worst person in the world either. I just want someone to reassure me that everything will be okay. Too bad he probably won't do that forever. 

What I still don't quite understand is how could I meet someone who seems so right for me, only for them to be gone 11 years later? Why is it that when I'm finally ok with being single again, I go into a relationship with someone the right way, it's a pretty healthy relationship with that person, only to have it not be meant to be? Why does it have to be this way? I really can't help but feel like there's someone up there who keeps giving me this false hope that I've found the "one" only for it to end up not being meant to be as a way of jerking me around. And as they're jerking me around from upstairs, they're laughing their ass off at how pathetic they think I must be while doing it. Why do I deserve this?