Remembering Devin Wilson 1982-2019
Okay so back in August so close to Labor Day this year, a guy named Devin Wilson was killed in an automobile accident. When I first heard about it, I was in total shock that this would even happen to him of all people, and I ask why? And I know it wouldn't make any sense to why I would even be grieving and crying over what happened when it had happened almost 3 weeks later. I guess after being in some shock, the feeling of grief finally started kicking in 2 and a half weeks later. I guess we all deal with grief differently, and at different times.
Even though I haven't seen him in 17 years, I still have some good memories of him.I was a Junior in high school when I met Devin and his brother, Garrett, while going to Mukwonago High School in Wisconsin.Devin was a Senior and Garret was a Freshmen. We both ran varsity for the boys and girls cross country teams that went to state meet in 2000, that year. We also ran varsity for the boys and girls track team in 2001, my junior year, his senior year of high school.While running cross country at Mukwonago High School as a junior and senior at Mukwonago High School and what I got to know about Devin was a nice funny guy, and an awesome runner for the boys and track and cross country teams for MHS.When my family and I moved to Wisconsin from Iowa (against my will) and later learned that cross country season my Junior year that Devin's family was also from Iowa, that hit close to home for me, even if they weren't from the same part of Iowa that we came from.It probably hit close to home for them too, when they heard that I was from Iowa.But in a way, it gave me some sense of comfort knowing I wasn't the only one going to school at MHS, let alone on the cross country team who was not originally from Wisconsin.
I remember it was the night before our first cross country meet of the season when I was a junior at Mukwonago High School. One of the other Seniors who ran for the varsity boys cross country team held a Spaghetti dinner at his house, so I figured I should try to go to go to the Spaghetti dinner. Well, anyway, later on when my mom came to pick me up from the dinner, I was in the house with some of the other members of the team, and my mom came to pick me up.And when my mom drove the car she used to pick me up into the driveway, I guess Devin and his brother and Matt Werner were in the other room, and saw the car in the driveway with the "Iowa" License plate on it. As soon as they saw that, the asked if I was there, and I'm like, "Yeah, I'm here." So they let me know my mom was there to pick me up, which I already knew. So I said good bye to people in the TV room and I also told them just good luck at our first meet tomorrow night, and that I hoped they all kicked butt. And as I was leaving I could hear Devin, and possibly Matt Werner and Devin's brother saying, "bye, Iowa." "See ya later, Iowa". It did kinda rub me the wrong way, but I kept a smile on my face. When (mainly) Devin was calling me that, I wasn't so sure I was even going to like Devin as a person.But I still gave him a 2nd chance being the push over that I was. (I'll bet he knows I'm writing this about him, now, and I'm sure he's looking down, smiling as I write this about him because I'll bet he's in heaven, and he knows I have mostly nice things to say about him, looking back.)
I know I might not have liked him calling me, "Iowa", at first, but when you get used to something, it can grow on you. And that did grow on me.I hope that was some kind of term of endearment and not just to be mean spirited, though.
So anyways, it was our first cross country meet of the season and it was extremely hot out that day. I remember when cross country teams, both the jv and varsity had to run their races, people had to throw paper cups of water on the runners so they wouldn't get over heated. Luckily the varsity girls team went last that day and by the time it was time for me to run my race, the weather had cooled down some. So, the heat wasn't as much of an issue since it had cooled down. Anyways as I was running through the course I had to run, I do see Devin standing there to see us varsity girls run by as a spectator, and I could already see him just waiting for me to run by. And I saw him,and I was just like, "Oh no", because there was no way I could avoid him seeing me. So as soon as he saw me, he's like, "Is that how you people from Iowa run?! Is that all the fast you can go, Iowa Girl?! Run Faster than that, Iowa!" And I'm just thinking to myself, "Shut up, Devin." But at the same time I was thinking, "Yeah, run faster so you can get away from him and not have to yell at him, like that." Anyways, I was able to disappear into the wooded area we had to run through that might have been on the course which was a relief because it gave me a chance to get away from him. Anyways, I ended up finishing in 23rd place overall, 7th for the varsity girls team at MHS. And some time after I finish my first race that season, he did come up and told me I did a good job and even gave me a hug. I did tell him at that moment what my name was in case maybe he didn't know what it was, and he's like, "yeah, I know. I just call you that because that's where you're from."
And through out the rest of the cross country season, he'd cheer for me almost every race I ran that season, and I would cheer for him at every race he ran that cross country season. And then we would almost always tell each other what a good job the other one did after we ran our races.And whenever I ran my races that season, he was like, "Go, Iowa, Go! You can do it, Iowa! Good job, Iowa!" And when we would compliment each other on the other person's performance we either gave the other person a hug or something like a high-five.(I'll bet if Devin was here today and I was able to ask him if he even remembered that, maybe we would be laughing together at that). And while he would call me, "Iowa", I would just call him, "Dev". Real original, don't you think? I do remember one of the cross country meets we had, we were running at a Franklin cross country meet. Us varsity girls ran before the varsity boys did. After I ran, I went and cheered the boys who ran varsity along. I do remember seeing Devin after finishing the race getting something out of his dufflebag and I wasn't too far away from him, and I'm like, "hey Devin", and it seemed like he was just ignoring me, or something because he wasn't really looking at me. So I thought maybe he just couldn't hear me, or something. So I try again, and when he finally looked up at me, he looks up at me as if to say, "Yeah, what the hell do you want?!" So I tell him, "Good job today." So he just gives me what was like a high five. I do remember after how we did, we were named, "Athletes of the week" by our cross country coach, later on. I do remember when we ran at the Lake Geneva race and I told him that he did a good job at that race, it was the first time I had ever seen him upset. I did later ask him why he was so upset about how he did, that day. And I tried to make him feel better about that, after I asked him why he was so upset about his performance at that cross country meet we had. I told him, 'At least you tried."
Anyways, it wasn't until sometime mid season that I had learned that Devin Wilson's family were also originally from Iowa. Except they moved from Cedar Rapids, Iowa 12 years earlier. I have to give Devin's parents a lot of credit, there. If they were going to move the family to Wisconsin from Iowa, they did the right thing by moving them while they were still little before they got to the tougher years where kids are at a more socially sensitive age, unlike my parents. If my parents were going to move us to Wisconsin as well, they should have either moved us to Wisconsin before my sisters and I ever even entered middle school and so that I could have more time to get to know the people I was going to go to high school with the people I was going to go to school with at MHS or they should have waited until after all 3 of us graduated before they moved to Wisconsin. It's not like people didn't try to warn my parents it would be a bad idea to move out of Iowa when I was still in High School. But perhaps if they had moved us before I even entered the 6th grade, that way I'd have more of a chance to get to know everyone better so I could maybe have more of a chance to make a better first impression on people than what I was able to, and be more in my element and I needed more time. My parents didn't give a shit that I needed more time because I think they were being way too into themselves to take that into consideration.
But either way, I still thought that was pretty cool to learn that they also were from Iowa, as well. I'm not mad at them or anything, and never was mad at them for not telling me this from the get go.But maybe if we could have gone back in time to the beginning of the season, maybe both Wilson boys could have just came forward and been like, "excuse me, are you the new girl?" And I could have been like, "Yeah." And they could have just been like, "Where are you from?" And I could have just told them how I had moved here from Iowa, and they could have just been like, "Oh that's cool. We're from Iowa too, originally. Except we're from Cedar Rappids, Iowa. Where in Iowa did you come from?" And I could have told them where.It's also too bad we couldn't have had more of a friendship based on that, but sometimes just because you're from another part of the United States originally and this other person is also from that same state even if it's not the same part of that State in the United States, sometimes it just isn't enough to really be friends with that person. Besides, they had that circle of friends outside the track and cross country teams, and me I just moved and so I didn't have that circle of friends with to kick it with outside the sports teams I was a part of. And I think the pressure to have a group to belong to was definitely on, and just too much pressure to take. Plus, I didn't want to intrude on their other circle of friends and be in the way of their other friends. If I was ever clingy to anyone, I didn't mean to be. And it would have been nice if I could still hang out with some of the people on the cross country team after the cross country season was over, but they all had their circle of friends outside the team, too. And even if these individuals on the team liked me, doesn't mean their other friends from outside the team would, and I couldn't be very well part of those cliques if one person didn't like me.
Although hearing the news about Devin passing away has brought back a montage of all the good memories I have of him, it's also brought back a lot of bad memories of what I was going through during my Junior year at MHS with other people inside and outside the cross country teams. But luckily, I don't feel any of this is Devin's fault or his brother's fault from what I can remember.I don't blame them for other people singling me out and talking about me in the hallways at school like they did. But there are some things I do regret. During the cross country season there were times before practice began and a couple times I think Devin would approach me, but he looked like something was bothering him. I never thought to ask him if something was wrong until he walked away from me, and I really wish I had the chance to ask him if something was wrong because his eyes looked all red. I thought maybe he had been crying or something and I wish I had asked him if what was wrong. It's not like I didn't care.I didn't mean to do anything to rub him the wrong way or upset him or anyone.
And maybe another thing I regret is times when I tried to joke around with people on the team and got carried away. I didn't mean to make people not like me by being obnoxious and over dramatic over something petty and having it rub them the wrong way.And I liked making people laugh, too.
I really needed help and everyone at MHS let me down that year, outside the cross country and track teams that year, actually thinking that I didn't need help like that, when I did. I struggled socially and academically, yet teachers and my parents didn't think I needed help when I did need it, and at the same time I don't think anyone in sports or outside of sports really wanted to give me the help that I desperately needed, either. Perhaps if maybe there was a support group at the school for kids who were new at MHS who weren't originally from around the area, maybe I could have been a part of that group and I could have gotten the social support that I really could have benefited from. And if there were other people who were on the higher end of the autism spectrum who were going to MHS and there had possibly been a support group open to those people at MHS, I would have gone to that. And that's part of the reason I struggled the way I did.And I was just so out of my element with people. And that's the reason for people to hate me? The problem is, when I'm living in a whole new environment and I don't know anyone at all, I don't do too well in that situation and I don't know how to act around people I don't know when I'm in a whole new environment. And at the same time, people at MHS don't take too kindly to new kids coming into their new school, either. Bad combination, there.
And when the cross country season ended the more people at lunch and in the halls and in classrooms were talking about me in front of me like I wasn't there saying, "Nobody likes her, everybody just makes fun of her". And they would make fun of me for having bad looking skin. The more I had to hear this everyday, the more I just wanted to go back to Iowa, where it seemed like I was a lot more respected by people there than I was at MHS. And I had nobody to talk to about it. And even though I never actually tried to do it and I had no way of knowing how to do it, I did think about killing myself. I figured if everyone at Mukwonago High School hates me as much as they say they do when they don't even know me, maybe I should just take a gun to school with me and shoot myself in front of everyone. And if my parents weren't so into themselves and I didn't have these disabilities and them holding me back, and I did have my license to drive and a car, I would have taken all my stuff, loaded it into my own car, and then I would have moved all my shit back to Ames, Iowa, and people at MHS would never see me again.
Even though I haven't seen him in 17 years, I still have some good memories of him.I was a Junior in high school when I met Devin and his brother, Garrett, while going to Mukwonago High School in Wisconsin.Devin was a Senior and Garret was a Freshmen. We both ran varsity for the boys and girls cross country teams that went to state meet in 2000, that year. We also ran varsity for the boys and girls track team in 2001, my junior year, his senior year of high school.While running cross country at Mukwonago High School as a junior and senior at Mukwonago High School and what I got to know about Devin was a nice funny guy, and an awesome runner for the boys and track and cross country teams for MHS.When my family and I moved to Wisconsin from Iowa (against my will) and later learned that cross country season my Junior year that Devin's family was also from Iowa, that hit close to home for me, even if they weren't from the same part of Iowa that we came from.It probably hit close to home for them too, when they heard that I was from Iowa.But in a way, it gave me some sense of comfort knowing I wasn't the only one going to school at MHS, let alone on the cross country team who was not originally from Wisconsin.
I remember it was the night before our first cross country meet of the season when I was a junior at Mukwonago High School. One of the other Seniors who ran for the varsity boys cross country team held a Spaghetti dinner at his house, so I figured I should try to go to go to the Spaghetti dinner. Well, anyway, later on when my mom came to pick me up from the dinner, I was in the house with some of the other members of the team, and my mom came to pick me up.And when my mom drove the car she used to pick me up into the driveway, I guess Devin and his brother and Matt Werner were in the other room, and saw the car in the driveway with the "Iowa" License plate on it. As soon as they saw that, the asked if I was there, and I'm like, "Yeah, I'm here." So they let me know my mom was there to pick me up, which I already knew. So I said good bye to people in the TV room and I also told them just good luck at our first meet tomorrow night, and that I hoped they all kicked butt. And as I was leaving I could hear Devin, and possibly Matt Werner and Devin's brother saying, "bye, Iowa." "See ya later, Iowa". It did kinda rub me the wrong way, but I kept a smile on my face. When (mainly) Devin was calling me that, I wasn't so sure I was even going to like Devin as a person.But I still gave him a 2nd chance being the push over that I was. (I'll bet he knows I'm writing this about him, now, and I'm sure he's looking down, smiling as I write this about him because I'll bet he's in heaven, and he knows I have mostly nice things to say about him, looking back.)
I know I might not have liked him calling me, "Iowa", at first, but when you get used to something, it can grow on you. And that did grow on me.I hope that was some kind of term of endearment and not just to be mean spirited, though.
So anyways, it was our first cross country meet of the season and it was extremely hot out that day. I remember when cross country teams, both the jv and varsity had to run their races, people had to throw paper cups of water on the runners so they wouldn't get over heated. Luckily the varsity girls team went last that day and by the time it was time for me to run my race, the weather had cooled down some. So, the heat wasn't as much of an issue since it had cooled down. Anyways as I was running through the course I had to run, I do see Devin standing there to see us varsity girls run by as a spectator, and I could already see him just waiting for me to run by. And I saw him,and I was just like, "Oh no", because there was no way I could avoid him seeing me. So as soon as he saw me, he's like, "Is that how you people from Iowa run?! Is that all the fast you can go, Iowa Girl?! Run Faster than that, Iowa!" And I'm just thinking to myself, "Shut up, Devin." But at the same time I was thinking, "Yeah, run faster so you can get away from him and not have to yell at him, like that." Anyways, I was able to disappear into the wooded area we had to run through that might have been on the course which was a relief because it gave me a chance to get away from him. Anyways, I ended up finishing in 23rd place overall, 7th for the varsity girls team at MHS. And some time after I finish my first race that season, he did come up and told me I did a good job and even gave me a hug. I did tell him at that moment what my name was in case maybe he didn't know what it was, and he's like, "yeah, I know. I just call you that because that's where you're from."
And through out the rest of the cross country season, he'd cheer for me almost every race I ran that season, and I would cheer for him at every race he ran that cross country season. And then we would almost always tell each other what a good job the other one did after we ran our races.And whenever I ran my races that season, he was like, "Go, Iowa, Go! You can do it, Iowa! Good job, Iowa!" And when we would compliment each other on the other person's performance we either gave the other person a hug or something like a high-five.(I'll bet if Devin was here today and I was able to ask him if he even remembered that, maybe we would be laughing together at that). And while he would call me, "Iowa", I would just call him, "Dev". Real original, don't you think? I do remember one of the cross country meets we had, we were running at a Franklin cross country meet. Us varsity girls ran before the varsity boys did. After I ran, I went and cheered the boys who ran varsity along. I do remember seeing Devin after finishing the race getting something out of his dufflebag and I wasn't too far away from him, and I'm like, "hey Devin", and it seemed like he was just ignoring me, or something because he wasn't really looking at me. So I thought maybe he just couldn't hear me, or something. So I try again, and when he finally looked up at me, he looks up at me as if to say, "Yeah, what the hell do you want?!" So I tell him, "Good job today." So he just gives me what was like a high five. I do remember after how we did, we were named, "Athletes of the week" by our cross country coach, later on. I do remember when we ran at the Lake Geneva race and I told him that he did a good job at that race, it was the first time I had ever seen him upset. I did later ask him why he was so upset about how he did, that day. And I tried to make him feel better about that, after I asked him why he was so upset about his performance at that cross country meet we had. I told him, 'At least you tried."
Anyways, it wasn't until sometime mid season that I had learned that Devin Wilson's family were also originally from Iowa. Except they moved from Cedar Rapids, Iowa 12 years earlier. I have to give Devin's parents a lot of credit, there. If they were going to move the family to Wisconsin from Iowa, they did the right thing by moving them while they were still little before they got to the tougher years where kids are at a more socially sensitive age, unlike my parents. If my parents were going to move us to Wisconsin as well, they should have either moved us to Wisconsin before my sisters and I ever even entered middle school and so that I could have more time to get to know the people I was going to go to high school with the people I was going to go to school with at MHS or they should have waited until after all 3 of us graduated before they moved to Wisconsin. It's not like people didn't try to warn my parents it would be a bad idea to move out of Iowa when I was still in High School. But perhaps if they had moved us before I even entered the 6th grade, that way I'd have more of a chance to get to know everyone better so I could maybe have more of a chance to make a better first impression on people than what I was able to, and be more in my element and I needed more time. My parents didn't give a shit that I needed more time because I think they were being way too into themselves to take that into consideration.
But either way, I still thought that was pretty cool to learn that they also were from Iowa, as well. I'm not mad at them or anything, and never was mad at them for not telling me this from the get go.But maybe if we could have gone back in time to the beginning of the season, maybe both Wilson boys could have just came forward and been like, "excuse me, are you the new girl?" And I could have been like, "Yeah." And they could have just been like, "Where are you from?" And I could have just told them how I had moved here from Iowa, and they could have just been like, "Oh that's cool. We're from Iowa too, originally. Except we're from Cedar Rappids, Iowa. Where in Iowa did you come from?" And I could have told them where.It's also too bad we couldn't have had more of a friendship based on that, but sometimes just because you're from another part of the United States originally and this other person is also from that same state even if it's not the same part of that State in the United States, sometimes it just isn't enough to really be friends with that person. Besides, they had that circle of friends outside the track and cross country teams, and me I just moved and so I didn't have that circle of friends with to kick it with outside the sports teams I was a part of. And I think the pressure to have a group to belong to was definitely on, and just too much pressure to take. Plus, I didn't want to intrude on their other circle of friends and be in the way of their other friends. If I was ever clingy to anyone, I didn't mean to be. And it would have been nice if I could still hang out with some of the people on the cross country team after the cross country season was over, but they all had their circle of friends outside the team, too. And even if these individuals on the team liked me, doesn't mean their other friends from outside the team would, and I couldn't be very well part of those cliques if one person didn't like me.
Although hearing the news about Devin passing away has brought back a montage of all the good memories I have of him, it's also brought back a lot of bad memories of what I was going through during my Junior year at MHS with other people inside and outside the cross country teams. But luckily, I don't feel any of this is Devin's fault or his brother's fault from what I can remember.I don't blame them for other people singling me out and talking about me in the hallways at school like they did. But there are some things I do regret. During the cross country season there were times before practice began and a couple times I think Devin would approach me, but he looked like something was bothering him. I never thought to ask him if something was wrong until he walked away from me, and I really wish I had the chance to ask him if something was wrong because his eyes looked all red. I thought maybe he had been crying or something and I wish I had asked him if what was wrong. It's not like I didn't care.I didn't mean to do anything to rub him the wrong way or upset him or anyone.
And maybe another thing I regret is times when I tried to joke around with people on the team and got carried away. I didn't mean to make people not like me by being obnoxious and over dramatic over something petty and having it rub them the wrong way.And I liked making people laugh, too.
I really needed help and everyone at MHS let me down that year, outside the cross country and track teams that year, actually thinking that I didn't need help like that, when I did. I struggled socially and academically, yet teachers and my parents didn't think I needed help when I did need it, and at the same time I don't think anyone in sports or outside of sports really wanted to give me the help that I desperately needed, either. Perhaps if maybe there was a support group at the school for kids who were new at MHS who weren't originally from around the area, maybe I could have been a part of that group and I could have gotten the social support that I really could have benefited from. And if there were other people who were on the higher end of the autism spectrum who were going to MHS and there had possibly been a support group open to those people at MHS, I would have gone to that. And that's part of the reason I struggled the way I did.And I was just so out of my element with people. And that's the reason for people to hate me? The problem is, when I'm living in a whole new environment and I don't know anyone at all, I don't do too well in that situation and I don't know how to act around people I don't know when I'm in a whole new environment. And at the same time, people at MHS don't take too kindly to new kids coming into their new school, either. Bad combination, there.
And when the cross country season ended the more people at lunch and in the halls and in classrooms were talking about me in front of me like I wasn't there saying, "Nobody likes her, everybody just makes fun of her". And they would make fun of me for having bad looking skin. The more I had to hear this everyday, the more I just wanted to go back to Iowa, where it seemed like I was a lot more respected by people there than I was at MHS. And I had nobody to talk to about it. And even though I never actually tried to do it and I had no way of knowing how to do it, I did think about killing myself. I figured if everyone at Mukwonago High School hates me as much as they say they do when they don't even know me, maybe I should just take a gun to school with me and shoot myself in front of everyone. And if my parents weren't so into themselves and I didn't have these disabilities and them holding me back, and I did have my license to drive and a car, I would have taken all my stuff, loaded it into my own car, and then I would have moved all my shit back to Ames, Iowa, and people at MHS would never see me again.
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