Autism The Musical/and the sequel, and my input on the documentary

 With the month of April being Autism Awareness month, I've decided to watch both documentaries, Autism The Musical and Autism The Sequel on dvd. (I made the DVD myself so I can just watch it, whenever) The documentary follows around 5 kids who are each on the spectrum and their families. Anyways,the first time I watched the documentary, Autism the Musical was in 2008 on HBO. (I also watched the sequel last year) And then after watching the documentary, I guess I can say that I can relate to a little bit of everybody. Some of them more than others. Now, when watching the documentary here's how I can relate each individual:

Neal: According to Neal's adopted mom, he didn't really sleep at night.Maybe only 2 hours once. What a coincidence, I've got pretty crappy sleeping patterns, myself. I never really slept at night when I was a baby, either.According to my mom, I'd be up all night crying my first year of life, but then again, that's considered normal for babies. Right? And when I got older and was in preschool, I learned based on what teachers told us, we were supposed to sleep at night. It made me wonder, if I ever slept at night. So I decided to just watch myself when I was maybe somewhere between 3-5 when I went to bed. And sure enough, night time came and went, and I didn't sleep that night. Instead I'd either want to play with my toys, or I'd just lie in bed all night and be staring at the ceiling, and then the next day I'd be like, "I didn't sleep last night." And now I know, I didn't always sleep at night, or at least night very well. Although I've gotten better over the years about sleeping at night, I still struggle with being able to sleep at night. So the one thing I have in common with Neal is just not sleeping at night. Coach E also mentions how her son would be afraid to get into the bath when it was time to give him a bath. Somehow that reminds me of an early childhood memory from when I was at least 3 years old and still an only child. 

What happened was my parents had some friends who were getting married and we went to their wedding. I remember the night or day before we were at my Grandpa's house and then the next thing I remember was we were in a motel. That's the first time I remember being in a motel, and was almost crying because we were in a place that wasn't familiar. But that's not the thing that Neal being scared to get into a bathtub and then being scared to get out of a bathtub reminds me of. It's what we did the next morning after we went back to the motel from the wedding the night before. We went into the big (indoor) swimming pool since the motel had a pool. That's the earliest memory I have of ever being in a swimming pool. And I think the whole time I was in the pool, I  just wanted my parents to hold me because I was afraid to be in the swimming pool. Probably because I was scared that the water would go up over my head, or something. But I do remember crying when they tried to get me to just walk around in the swimming pool. But when they put me where I could stand up, and they got me walking around in the swimming pool and I saw that the water was not going to go over my head, I think I might have been laughing because once I saw that I could stand up and walk around in the water. But I was scared to go into the swimming pool unless my parents were holding me, before that. Luckily since then, I'd always get excited to stay overnight on vacations in hotels that had indoor swimming pools.I still like staying over night in hotels with swimming pools, today. And I love going swimming. I also find it quite relaxing and thereputic, these days.And it's great exercise.I love water parks, too!

Lexi:I think 2 of the biggest things I have in common with her are 1. We're both on the autism spectrum and 2. We're both girls.She also appears to have a fascination with music and singing. And I don't really like to tell people this, I sometimes like to sing too, but I'm not so sure if I'd want to do it professionally, all the time. Sure I want to sound good if I do.And at times, I have thought about what I'd want to sound like if I were any good.Maybe a combination of Janet Jackson,Lita Ford, Madonna, Mariah Carey, Christina Aguilera, Brandy, or something like that. And I don't really sound very good as much as I like to think so. And I'm also not very comfortable with singing in front of people. 

In the sequel, her parents mentioned that she gets her feelings hurt easily. Yes, in some cases, so can I. It really depends on the person and the situation. If I don't quite know how to deal with someone, anything the person can say or do because they're upset can upset me if I don't know how to handle the situation. Her parents in the sequel had mentioned her being a like a 10 year old but in a good way. Well, I just like to think I'm just a big kid at heart because I still like theme parks, amusement parks, water parks, carnival rides, I still like dying eggs for Easter, jumping around on those huge trampolines,although I don't really get to do that a whole lot if at all, I sometimes like to go rollerblading, just to name a few things. I also like to dance, swim, ride bikes, running, and whenever I take time off from running, I start to miss doing that and just wish I could be the shape I was once in when I was 15 or 16 years old. Some times I like to watch old Disney cartoons and some Disney movies. A lot of them are what one would call "old school", but I like some of the newer things, too. So yeah, I like to consider myself a big kid at heart.I like to think that emotionally, in some ways I'm still maybe somewhere between 12,16-and 21 but in a good way.

Another thing I remember is that Lexi's mom said that when her daughter got diagnosed with autism, to her that was "Bad news" at the time. I guess in a way, I can relate to that, because from a very early age, my parents and teachers noticed that I was having a harder time learning how to do certain things that were hands on, and from the age of 4-15, they would keep taking me to all these different professionals, and do all these different kinds of tests and occupational therapy sessions just so they could try and diagnose me with whatever it was they thought I had, and still couldn't figure it out. When I was in kindergarten through 2nd grade, they definitely put me through what I think now was some pretty unnecessary B.S.And when they'd still pull me out of school and classes in the 3rd grade to do certain tests on me, I still remembered when they would do that to me when I was in preschool through the 2nd grade, and to see they were still doing it to me in the 3rd grade, trying to diagnose me with whatever it was they thought I had, I was beginning to feel like a human science project because it just kept going on and on and on.After the 3rd grade, they did stop. But then when I was in middle school, it started happening again, and I started remembering all the times they did that to me all over again, and here it was happening to me, again. It was getting really annoying. That's around the time I got diagnosed with ADHD. Luckily I found out from other kids I was going to school with at the time that some of them had that, too. So I felt a lot better knowing that I wasn't the only one who had ADHD. But when they thought I needed to be in counseling, I felt like I was going through all the same bullshit I went through when I was in preschool through the 3rd grade and again in 7th grade when I was in 8th grade, all over again. I just wanted everyone to stop trying to diagnose me with whatever it was they thought was wrong with me and leave me alone, already! And then when I was in 9th grade, I got the diagnosis for Asperger's Syndrome. At first I thought the professional therapist and my mom were just joking about me having it. And to me, Asperger's sounded like a foreign word to me. I kinda thought because of the pronounciation of the word, you had to be part German to be afflicted with such a condition. But then when they talked more about the condition and how it might affect someone, and how a lot of that sounded like me, that's when I realized they were serious. And I was devastated at being diagnosed with something foreign that I've never heard of anyone having before. At the same time, there were a couple of kids in my grade who had autism. But they had it a lot more severe than I did. And sometimes when I'd watch the way one of them would especially act out, it really made me question my own behavior. It made me wonder if there were times when I acted like that. And it scared me to think that I did. So it made me try even harder to make sure I wasn't acting like that. At the same time, there had been people in some of my classes who would try to compare me to him, or spread a rumor that I had some sort of crush on him, or they'd tell me I should go out with him, because we both act like little kids and bring our lunches to school every day. But unlike him, I could be in classes without the help of an aid. I was more tuned into running cross country and track ( I wanted to be able to make varsity in both sports), music that was currently popular on the radio, certain tv shows, certain movies (mostly comedies), celebrity gossip, different kinds of animals, psychology. All he was interested in were trains, as far as I could tell.And then when I was 15 during the spring semester of the school semester, the school psychologist told me that she had a book my mom wanted to look at. And I remember she gives me this book, and it's a book for families with autism. And I remember thinking, "Why on earth would my mom want a book on autism? I have ADHD". Well, I read off some of the symptoms, and one thing it mentioned as a characteristic was that the person who has it lacks awareness for other people's feelings. It really made me wonder if I did that and I really thought that just because I might do that one characteristic that I might have it, just because I exhibited one possible characteristic. And that bothered me for the rest of the day. But I just put it on the back burner until I got picked up after school. And then I just handed my mom the book, and that's when my mom had to explain to me that Asperger's Syndrome was a mild autism. And I just cried the whole way home. So for me, finding out that I had some form of autism was devastating news! And I didn't want anyone else to know that I had it because I didn't want people comparing me to the other 2 kids in my grade who had it, and I certainly didn't want anyone telling me that I should go out with that one boy in my grade who had it, just because we were both on the autism spectrum. I didn't want to hear that.

Adam:

The only thing I think we had in common was us having melt downs, but I like to think that maybe in someways, I'm not as bad as he was. And I still have yet to control myself when I get frustrated with anything.

The 2 remaining kids I think I could relate to the most are Henry and Wyatt.

Henry: Him and I both have been diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome. There was once a time where I had a fascination with dinosaurs, too. Except I just like to play with these little toy dinosaurs, and sometimes I would take certain dinosaurs and use them to reenact scenes from the movie, The Land Before Time. I mean, I might has well made up a play version of that movie, using some of my toy dinosaurs portraying the characters, since I had a lot of that movie well memorized. But then again, what little kids don't or didn't like dinosaurs? That's considered a normal interest for little kids, I think. 

But then when I got older, I developed an interest in certain types of marine life like, seals, sea lions, dolphins, whales.I still really like bottle-nosed dolphins and killer whales. I also once had a fascination in the different kinds of dog breeds. And if there were ever any tv documentaries on Animal Planet about dogs, I'd watch them. Movies, too. When I was a kid, I liked the movies Beethoven and Beethoven's 2nd. I also liked Disney's Homeward Bound: The Incredible Journey. But I've always loved animals. 

Anyways, Henry's mom also noticed he talks to himself. As embarrassing as it is to admit it, I do too. And in my case it's my way of disciplining myself, making sure I understand why I should or shouldn't do whatever, it's my way of sometimes working through certain feelings such as depression and grief. And it's also kind of my way of analyzing why I might be thinking or feeling a certain way about a certain situation. I have to ask myself if I'm feeling a certain way, because this happened. Or I might tell myself, "you're upset because of such and such".It's probably not really weird that a person on the autism spectrum might talk to themself. It's just the way they do it when sometimes normal people talk to themselves out loud on occasion, and that they might do it all the time. I think a lot of people on the milder end of the spectrum will probably tell you that. You know how every now and again, we might pretend or practice talking to someone? Well, sometimes I think I get into doing that, a little too much and forget that other people are around who might notice that.

Anyway, another thing Henry mentioned that someone in his class treats him like a little kid. If what he means is that he doesn't like it when people talk to him as if he were biologically younger than his actual age, like say he's 9 or 10 years old but they talk to him the way you would talk to a 2 year old when he understands what a person is saying to him just fine, and he notices that, and he hates it when people talk to him like that, I totally get where he's coming from. When I was in grade school, I had kids who would do that to me, too. And on occasion, I've met people who think they're being professional when they think they can talk to me like that, and I hate that, too! It's like, "Listen, I'm over 7 years of age and have perfectly normal intelligence. So why are you talking to me, like I'm a little kid? Don't talk to me like that!. I know DAMN well what you mean. You don't need to talk to me, like that!" 

One thing I find really cool about Henry is the fact that Stephen Stills is his dad. And at the same time, my mom is a fan of the band Stephen Stills is part of, Crosby, Stills, and Nash. When I watched that documentary the first time and Henry's dad introduced himself the first time, I automatically thought of the band because my mom would and still does occasionally listen to their music. I didn't mean to call her at work, but when I did, I told her I had a question regarding the band which is, the names of the band members. I asked her if one of the band members names happened to be Stephen Stills. And she said, "yeah, why?" And I'm like, "Because I think he has a son with autism".

As for the sequel and where he was at there, I wish that I had been able to go to a school after high school where I could have gotten better accommodations just to be more successful with what I was going and where I was going to school for. Especially get the proper support academically and socially. I also noticed some of the stuff he did was some kind of computer animation? Well, I kinda do stuff like that, as well. I've made slideshow videos using pictures as well as montages using video clips from some video footage I might have recorded, as well as other video clips from other things, and created my own montages using them. And I've also learned from using a special device I've used how to put in or take out pieces of video clip I don't necessarily want. Now I have a better understanding of how they do it when they put together movies or documentaries and how and why they might edit out certain things they might not want to use. Either it's a mistake that I want to take out of there, or maybe it makes it too long, or whatever. And basically just manipulate video montages until I feel it's to my satisfaction. Personally, I think pictures are a lot easier to work with than actual video footage, though.

Wyatt: The one thing Wyatt has said is he just wants to be around the regular kids, and be accepted by them.Now in the documentary, he says that 100% of the kids in his class at the time were retarded. It kinda makes me wonder if he was literally in a classroom where all the kids had intellectual disabilities, except him. Unfortunately, they did that to me when I was in Kindergarten, and as mentioned before, that was the wrong thing to do. And if I was ever some place where everyone around me was intellectually disabled except me, and I had to be in the same position as them, I know I wouldn't like that, and I wouldn't want to be in there, either. If I had to be around other people with disabilities, I would still like to be around a group of people with disabilities where I at least feel like I fit in, somewhere. And when I've been around people with intellectual disabilities where everyone had that except me and I was in the same position as them, it was very inappropriate and very uncomfortable for me. Personally for me, I'd rather be around people with disabilities where we can at least understand each other in terms of what it's like to be misunderstood, and picked on because you're different, as well as what it's like to struggle with learning, but at the same time, we also like to do the same things and have similar interests.Basically, I prefer to be around people who might have ADHD/ADD, learning disabilities and are on the milder end of the autism spectrum, because they're the kind of people I feel like I can blend in with and relate to a lot more, and I feel they can relate to me, a lot more.And I'd personally rather be friends with people who get where I'm coming from and they get where I'm coming from. That's why a lot of the people I'm friends with today either have learning disabilities, ADD/ADHD, autism spectrum disorders at the milder end of the spectrum, some of them have mental illness where they might have Bipolar Disorder and Schizophrenia, some of them have Cerebral Palsy, but have otherwise normal intelligence. Not people with intellectual disabilities And it's no offense to them, either. I was once told that if I don't feel comfortable being in a situation where everyone is intellectually disabled, except me, it's because I'm not intellectually disabled. When people have tried to place me in circumstances with people who have intellectual disabilities, it makes me very angry, because they did it to me when I was in Kindergarten and it was the wrong thing to do.And if it wasn't the right thing to do back then, it's not the right thing to do, now. Personally I do think that if professionals want to take a person who's on the higher end of the spectrum and put them  in some kind of situation where everyone is intellectually disabled, just because they're on the autism spectrum, when maybe where they're at on the spectrum is so close to normal, then I think those professionals are clearly making way too big of a deal out of it that they're even on the spectrum in the first place. So to Wyatt, if you didn't want to be in a class where all the kids have intellectual disabilities except you, I don't blame you. I know how you feel, buddy.I wouldn't want to be in there, either. And it's not anything personal against them. 

I also think Wyatt makes some good points that as kids get older, they can turn mean when they're in middle school.If they make fun of kids with special needs, it's because they don't understand why they have special needs or how it affects them. And even I have some pretty upsetting memories mostly from middle school of being that girl who always got singled out. But as you can safely say, when you're in middle school had have a disability, school sucks. Bullying sucks!

How would I say bullying has affected me:

Well, I've had to learn to like being alone over being around other people. I'd say it's really scared me away from wanting to get close to people. As much as I would like to feel that sense of closeness with other people, my fear is I might say or do something wrong and drive them away. And then they just might not want to have anything to do with me anymore. Or they might end up doing something to hurt me and taking advantage of me. There once was a time where maybe I had that friend who I could hang out with every day and I was perfectly comfortable with hanging out with that person. But when I got into 6th grade on up, nobody ever wanted to do anything with me anymore, and I had to get used to the social isolation, so the thought of hanging out with certain people everyday causes anxiety. I'm not so sure I'm comfortable with that. I used to be.I don't always feel like I bond with anything or anyone emotionally, like maybe I used to.That's the reason I might only want to hang out people I am friends with once in a while. When I have classes, I'm scared to ask people if I can work with them, because I'm afraid they'll just say no. And because of how I had been bullied, I really don't like working in groups with other people, because I often get left out. Now, when you're supposed to work on a class assignment in groups, it's only fun if there's people in the group who you want to work with who you know will let you work with them. But if either nobody wants to work with you, and you know you don't want to work with anyone because those people are mean to you, and you don't know who you would want to work with who would let you work with them, then working in group activities in class is NOT fun. And if that's often going to be the case with me when I have to take classes where people do that sort of thing, I might as well often be excused from class while they're doing that.But on the flip side, what I get out of doing projects alone is that I'm more aware of what needs to get done, and sometimes I allow that to motivate me to want to get the work done. But then I look around and I wish I did have that group of friends who I could work with and have fun with the project, and I just feel left out.