12/30/2021

 I would have written about what happened exactly to Jason if I actually had internet as well as remember the password to this account a lot sooner.It hasn't been easy, mentally to talk about what happened, because I seem to be remembering little bits of new information at a time.It's already been 4 months since he passed away, unexpectedly. It feels like he's been gone for 4 years.Supposedly it can be 4 to 6 months when the grief is at it's peak, before someone can start to slowly really feel any better. I'm going to need another round of a grief share support group, because they're doing another session in the spring of next year. By that time, it will have been a little more than 6 months since it happened, but it won't even be a year since it happened. I hate how damn slow this computer is. Otherwise, I could go through old stuff I had wrote about Jason in past posts on facebook going into detail of what happened exactly. Earlier this year he said he wanted to have this year being the year that he finally gave up smoking, and drinking, and start eating healthier and exercised. I wish he had followed through with that, at the beginning of this year, as hard as it got. Unfortunately, he kept on like he had been doing. I failed to realize just how much he was really deteriorating, health wise, because he wouldn't eat right, or quit smoking or drinking or walk around to burn off some calories. What happened to him, and him dying this summer has disrupted the life I had been trying to have with him. It's also ruined the rest of the year for me. This is so not how I wanted this year to end. It's so ungodly tragic, it's not even funny. From 2018 to this year, everyone in his family has been dropping like flies, it seems like. First he loses his dad at the end of 2018 to Alzheimer's disease. Then at the beginning of 2020, he loses his mom to an infection due to Malpractice at a nursing home she was in. Then he finally dies from what might have either been a heart attack or heart failure, thanks to his addiction to alcohol as well as his attitude towards getting any kind of psycho therapy, whatsoever! I'm angry that he didn't take better care of himself years prior to this year when he still had the chance. I'm angry that he didn't listen to everyone when they told him he needed to quit smoking and lose weight. I'm angry because I feel like I should have known how bad it really was and tried harder to get both of us to eat healthier stuff. I feel like I should never have left him alone in the living room that night, then maybe I could have caught something and called for help sooner, and maybe they could have taken him to the hospital, and maybe they could have saved him, pumped his stomach. I just wish he had stopped drinking. If he had only listened to everyone, quit drinking, quit smoking, and eat healthier, years ago, like maybe 10 years ago, he would probably still be here, and we would still be together. If he had maybe gone to rehab, took it more seriously, and admitted that he was using it as a means to cope, they could have showed him new ways to cope with loss, and maybe he could have gone that route. If he did, and he was still here, maybe if he just gave himself the time, he could actually find that although his parents were gone, he could be happy again. He didn't give himself enough time. I guess now that I'm single again, all I can really do is look at 2022 as a time to heal, and a time for reflection. And maybe even as a new beginning. I hope I can have a better year and have happier things come my way. I hope I can make it from January 1st to December 31st of this coming year, as well. All I know is, this is not the way I wanted this year to end. And I ask, why?! This sucks.