update:sad news on Jason

 Finally, I have cable and internet in the apartment again. I can't say that this has been a good year for me lately. Whenever I think I'm having a good year, something always has to happen in the summer to ruin the rest of the year for me. I know last summer I wrote in a note book to the late Devin Wilson saying that I wish that he and my late boyfriend could have met each other. I know I had heard this song last year by Miley Cyrus called "Midnight Sky" where there was mention in the song of it feeling good for someone to be on their own and I associated myself with the last time I was single and it felt good. And I know that in early August I was just joking when I said that maybe when I die and go to heaven, I can finally get married when I get up there. Someone upstairs might have taken that way too literally, because this summer in mid August, my boyfriend of almost 11 years has died.

I mean, after being together for nearly 11 years, he passed away this summer, and I have no idea how I'm going to go through life without him.This is not the way I wanted this year to end. It's not the way I wanted my relationship to end with him, either. We had talked about things we had either wanted to do in the fall and Christmas of this year as well as next year, and now he's gone. It's just not going to happen, now. Not only that but this makes me very angry because whatever it was we wanted to do together, we're not going to be able to do that, now. I'm also angry because he didn't take as good of care of himself as he should have, he wasn't managing his diabetes like he should have, he wouldn't quit smoking or drinking alcohol. And he also refused to seek help for his addictions. I've also been feeling terrified of what happens now that he's gone. I mean for the first 8 and a half months with me, he was still here and I was just trying to live my life with him, and now he's gone. I just wish he had tried harder to eat healthier things in the 11 years that I've known him, that he had tried harder to quit drinking alcohol after him and I started going out, even if it meant he had to check himself into rehab to gain some coping skills, so he wasn't constantly turning to alcohol as a means to cope with whatever was bothering him. I also wish he had quit smoking 10 years ago, and never picked it up again, maybe he'd still be here. Especially if he had just listened to everyone who told him he needed to change his ways. And it wasn't to make him feel bad, it was because they cared about his well being.I'm angry with him for not taking a whole lot better care of himself years prior to this year. But I'm also angry at myself, because I wish there was more I could have said or done to save him that night,from himself.  But now that he's gone, I think of all the years he was in my life and I can't help but wonder, how do you put behind you 10 or 11 years worth of memories of being with someone? I didn't just lose the love of my life to alcohol addiction on the 17th of August of this year, but I have also lost my best friend. I just don't know how I'm going to get through life without him. I wanted to get married to him, and he wanted to marry me, and now it's just not going to happen. I didn't want to be single again. At least not like this.On one hand, I'm terrified of being alone, and at the same time, I'm scared of dating someone new. I would give anything to have Jason back. 2 months before he died, he had asked me what I wanted for Christmas, this year. I really thought he'd still be here for Christmas and that he'd still be here.Now all I want for Christmas is him. After he passed away, his body got cremated. After his body was cremated, I saw something pop up on my facebook, which was regarding something called, "Artful Ashes" and what it is, is a place where if you've had someone you've loved cremated after they've passed away, you can send a tablespoon of their cremains to the place, and have them made into something made of glass. I thought, that's what I should do with some of Jason's cremains for Christmas, so that I can always have a part of him with me. 

Ever since Jason has passed this summer, it's left me grieving over him for the rest of the year. And it's probably going to be a looooong year or 2 before I'm ever fully over losing him like I did. This is NOT what I wanted. All I ever wanted him to do was quit drinking, and eat healthier things, and quit smoking, and that he would exercise so he could lose weight. I've had to rearrange my life, because of his unexpected passing. I still live in the apartment. It's a lot easier now that I can go on the internet again and I'm able to watch tv again. Otherwise, it's just too quiet in the place where I live. And let's face it, although I'm not living completely alone like I did 6 years ago because I have the cats this time around, it would be nice if I had someone to come home to. Home just isn't home if you have nobody to share it with. The good thing about living on my own is I can come and go wherever and whenever I please and not have to answer to anyone. But other than that, home just isn't home if you have nobody to share it with. It's just depressing knowing that after everything I've been through with Jason together, it's now just a memory. His drinking got very bad this year. Ever since his parents have died, I think he just gave up on everything.

If I should ever however end up dating someone after Jason, I hope he has a lot of the same good qualities I saw in Jason that made me fall in love with him. Someone who's spontaneous, independent, someone who's compassionate, caring, likes to do things, likes to travel whether it's an amusement park or a water park, or it's just to go see relatives in other parts of the states. Someone who also likes animals, has a lot more empathy who might also understand what it means to struggle with certain situations due to a disability. Someone who understands that I have Asperger's Syndrome, ADHD and Post traumatic Stress Disorder, and isn't going to use any of it against me either. I also want him to be someone who will have patience with me, has normal intelligence, maybe someone who's a lot less stubborn when it comes to medical advice. And someone who will always have that empathy for me who will be easy to talk to. He also has to like animals, and I hope he's understanding and nice about the fact that before him I was in a relationship with Jason for nearly 11 years, and that the reason I'm suddenly not with him anymore is because he passed away and understands if there's anything that used to belong to Jason that I might want to keep because it has sentimental value. And I hope he also is totally cool with my wanting to keep the cats Jason and I got when we were together. I wouldn't want to give them up for anything or anyone. I also don't want someone who smokes or has an addiction to any kind of substance abuse. And I would rather be with someone who also has better health habits. I want someone who will cuddle with me on the couch to watch movies or tv, but I also want someone who might be willing to go out with me to amusement parks, carnivals, water parks, he's willing to travel with me places over night, like the Wisconsin Dells for example. At the same time I want someone who will also respect me and my boundaries, as well. I want it to be someone who will also think and speak highly of me, and supports any decision I make, someone who I can bring around friends and family, and he can do the same for me. Someone who isn't going to be abusive and controlling, or cheat on me, and is always able to take my side.I want someone who knows how to navigate every social situation and handle it like a boss. Someone who's also willing to get me nice things for certain occasions like birthdays, Christmas, Valentine's Day, who I can get for such occasions as that, as well. But I still prefer someone who's still around my age, maybe a little older than I am.The problem is that the last time I was single, I was 26, and now that I'm almost 40, any guy like that is kind of hard to come by. But I know that at the same time, I know nobody will ever replace Jason. And it's not like I would be replacing Jason, either.  What am I saying? I just want the person I fell in love with that Jason used to be, back. I can't really see myself with anyone else, right now. Why did this have to happen? I'm terrified that I'll never find someone who will love me that I'll love like Jason did.I never wanted all those years of being with Jason to become a thing of the past. Not like this.