About what happened that night

Ok, about what happened to Jason. It was very tragic. But here's what happened:

there was something on tv that I wanted to watch at 8pm. At the same time he was watching some DVDs and so I decided to watch what I wanted in another room so we wouldn't be distracting each other.At the same time, I could tell he was getting drunk.And when he got drunk, he'd get cocky, arrogant, obnoxious, belligerent, he would be slurring his words, and staggering if he walked, falling down, he'd break something, and then he wouldn't remember it, the next day. And I was getting mad at him for how he was acting because he was drunk. And lately this year up to the day he passed away unexpectedly, he had been using vodka just to help him fall asleep at night. Well, when I came out of the room after watching what I wanted at 10:30, I find him slumped over against the couch and his skin was all blotchy and his face was turning blue so I called 911. And then when the paramedics came in and tried CPR on him, I guess they couldn't revive him because a police officer came and asked me full questions about his full name and date of birth, and after I told him that, that's when I received the worst news of my life that really turned my life upside down: He just passed away. They had some other examiners doing a toxicology report and an autopsy to find out what did it. And I tried to get him to quit drinking for years, but then he would just nag me. It's like he stopped caring about how I felt about him drinking. And as much as I wanted him to stop drinking, he just wouldn't do it. He also was on a lot of medication for diabetics and anxiety and other things. I knew that smoking made diabetes worse. I just didn't realize you couldn't drink alcohol if you had it. I feel like I should never have left him in that room alone I feel like I should have been with him, and if I started noticing anything sooner, maybe I could have called sooner and he would still be here I just feel like I let him down.but I didn't want to be around him when he got drunk because of how he would act. He would get belligerent, he'd slur his words, he would talk about dumping me for other girls. In some ways, it's still hard hard to believe he's gone. I wish he had only been able to keep the promise to quit smoking, and drinking and eat healthier this year as hard as it might have been. Maybe if that were the case, he wouldn't have deteriorated like he did this summer like he did, and he still did. There's still that anger and thoughts of if only. But I miss him being around. It feels like he's been gone for 4 years! I miss him and how things used to be. I'm angry that he couldn't keep his promise and go seek help for his addictions, or take better care of himself like he said he was going to almost a year ago.I"m angry that he didn't take a lot better care of himself and quit with the smoking and drinking a lot sooner than this year. I'm angry because we had also talked about things we wanted to do in the fall of 2021 and even around the end of 2021 as well as things we wanted to do in the next year. I'm not going to be able to do them now. I'm also kinda scared of what's going to happen with me, now that he's gone. What am I going to do about my living arrangements? Where am I going to live? What am I going to do, now that he's gone? They say like before, it takes the first 6 months to a year to feel better. It's already been 4 months! I wish he never used alcohol as a sleep aid, nor as a coping mechanism for anything. I will say this though: When he was sober, he was great. On the night when I lost him unexpectedly like I did, I not only lost my boyfriend. I also lost my best friend. And I wish I had been able to somehow get help for him