This sucks

 Well, it's that time of year when we have the carnival in Field Park in Mukwonago. I'm sorry that I still like going on carnival rides at my age and nowadays I don't know if anyone will go with me on any of the rides. I'm so sick of having these boyfriends who will promise me we'll do something that I want to do, only to not follow through with doing it. I don't know why I even bother. I would never do that to any of them.

I've also been thinking about the past years when I was still with  Jason, and think if only. I wish that at some point, he had quit drinking so many years prior to 2 or 3 years ago when he was still here. I think that if only he had quit smoking and drinking while we were together and never picked it back up again and just took better care of himself, listened to everyone who told him he needed to change that about himself, he could still be here. And we could have either gotten engaged at the end of the year 2 years ago, or we could have gotten engaged last year, and this year or next year, we could have gotten married. But NOOOOO! Why do I always end up getting the short end of the stick when it comes to me having a boyfriend? in some ways, I like the person I'm with now, but there's things I can't deal with. Somehow I knew I might develop a false sense of readiness to date someone new after losing Jason. But I'm not sure how long this relationship will last. I know if Adam and I end up breaking up, I need to make sure I'm ok with being single again if I ever expect to be in a better relationship with someone, like I was with Jason. Of course when I was single at the beginning of the year, I wasn't ok with being single again. Not under these circumstances. But the last time I went into a relationship with someone where we became best friends before we ever became more than friends, it ended up not being meant to be. This has happened to me, twice. If me and Adam end up not working out, I hope that I can be ok with being single again, although I'm probably going to end up being single again for a very long time. But if I do end up single again, maybe I can be more comfortable with just being single, first. Then maybe when I least expect it, I'll end up with someone where I can feel like he's my best friend and I can talk to him about anything and everything and then maybe we will end up being meant to be.  I hope so. Otherwise I may need to come to terms with the fact that I'm just going to have to stay single for the rest of my life. Jason was the closest thing to perfection. Before he got so sick, he was more willing to do more things with me. I could bring him around my friends and family, and he got along with everyone so well. I like that he liked to travel, and seemed almost willing to travel anywhere and wasn't picky or rigid. 

I know I would also like to be with someone who won't have an explosive temper, he'll always have that patience for me and empathy. And hopefully, he'll understand if I have anything that belonged to Jason that I either want to keep around because I see use in keeping it around, or because of sentimental value, and he won't make me ever get rid of those things if I don't want to.I also want someone who won't take certain things I tell him, and use it against me, ever and he'll also respect that I have 2 cats from my relationship with from being with Jason and he'll accept them as well. I also want him to be ok with wanting to go places I used to go with Jason when we were together because some of that stuff even has sentimental value. I also prefer that he doesn't make fun of people with disabilities. And I would also want him to be willing to travel anywhere and isn't picky or rigid about where we go, whether it's somewhere out of town or out of state, for days or weeks at a time. He also needs to be supportive and empathetic to me, emotionally if I ever have moments where I may need to grieve and mourn over someone I knew in life passing away,if need be. I also prefer usually to be with white guys who are just a little bit older than me in age and a little taller than me in height. I also would like it if maybe the guy didn't mind going on carnival rides, amusement park and water park rides with me every year. I want someone who will follow through with the plans we make, and won't just back out on me at the last minute. Someone who doesn't have an addiction to drugs and alcohol. Someone who would also be willing to buy gifts for other members of the family for the holiday seasons and other occasions. Someone who is willing to let me drive his car or the car that I drive on the freeway, if need be. Someone who likes listening to a lot of the same music as I do from the 60's, 70's, 80's, 90's 2000's and the 2010's. Someone who doesn't try to control me, and encourages me to try new things. Someone who is willing to try new things with me, and wants what's best for me, as Jason did. Someone who is also able to look out for me, and know how to handle social situations when I might be getting taken advantage of or I can go to that person if I find myself in some kind of situation and don't know how to handle it. But at the same time I would want someone to know how what it's like to socially struggle and understands what it's like to be bullied and always have people making you feel like you should just keep to yourself because then at least you're leaving everyone alone, but at the same time doesn't have such a negative view on life. And definitely not someone who supports the Republican party, especially Donald Trump. I want someone who's views are liberal like mine. I also want someone who is willing and able to do things with me and reciprocate all the good stuff I try to do for him. I want someone who doesn't smoke and takes care of himself. I also want him to be someone who accepts and respects my views, my beliefs, my boundaries and so on. He also has to be someone who likes animals.

If only, Jason had just made sure he had taken better care of himself, quit smoking and drinking, found other ways to cope with what he was feeling about whatever, he could have been the 1 who I got married to. Although there are things I like about being with Adam, it just feels like with him, there's something missing. And he still has a lot of issues he needs to work on, like how he carries himself when he gets angry or frustrated with anything or anyone in public. I feel so embarrassed when he just storms out of where ever. He does that around people, they're not going to like him very much. And he better not be trying to control me with how I choose to feed myself, and how much exercise I want to do each day, and if whether or not I want to loose weight. He should accept me for who I am, regardless of how much I do or don't weigh.

 All I ever wanted was to have that best friend and the love of my life who I could get married to and grow old with, have the experience of getting engaged, planning a wedding with someone, and having the wedding of my dreams. I would have liked to have gotten engaged and legally married to Jason. I would have liked to have been able to plan a wedding with him, and get married to him, and maybe even move into his parent's old house that he grew up in, and have us grow old together. I miss having him there to come home to and talk to about what I did and where I went and my thoughts and feelings on it, if he wasn't there to see it, himself, without him being drunk and fucked up.  That's the 1 part I didn't want was to have to come home to him and find him drunk and passed out. It seems like, when Jason and I were together, life was so much more interesting with him in it.