Depression

 Just feeling depressed. How could I go with being with someone for almost 11 years to them just being gone. I'm missing the life I had when Jason was still here. My life was so much more interesting when he was still here. Now it's just kinda dull. 8 years ago I go from living at home with parents to living on my own by the end of that year. And then 6 years later, I'm living on my own by myself again, after living with Jason for only 4 years only for him to pass away. I've never been legally married and already I'm experiencing life as widow. In some ways it's nice to have my own apartment to myself, but what I miss is having someone to come home to who I can talk to about how my day has been going and what I got to see and experience when the other person wasn't there. What I would like is to still be able to come home and share with him those things, and not have to find him drunk and passed out. And as I might have mentioned before, I miss him only being a phone call away and how he would calling me to see what I'm up to. If I could have my old life with him back, I would. I also miss being able to do things with friends. It seems like it used to be so easy getting together with friends. Now I can't even get myself to do that, for some reason. I hope that doorways to opportunities to do things with friends new and old open up, soon. What's hard is that even though I'm with someone new, now, there are times I wish that Jason didn't have to be just a memory. Jason was a lot more adventurous for better or worse. He wasn't such a picky eater. And he didn't used to be so picky about doing certain things. Some the things this new guys is picky and rigid about has been very hard for me, lately. And it makes me question the relationship I have with him. I knew I might get a false sense of readiness to date someone new, after Jason. I just wish everything could be the way it used to be. I wish Covid never happened. I wish that that thing never got illegally elected in 2016. I even wish Jason's friend never fatally overdosed in 2016.

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