Grief. Regrets.

 Well, it's now been over a year since the last time I've blogged on here. I really should blog more often about my life and what's new.It's just getting around to it that's been hard, lately. It's a sunny evening. On nice sunny evenings like this remind me of times when I would go for walks with Jason at this time of night at Frame park in Waukesha, WI, when we first started going together. Although it's now been almost 2 years since he's been gone, the grief still hits in waves. I will say, I'm doing a lot better than I was a year ago. Or at least I would like to believe that. Every now and again, I wish I could just go back in time and relive certain moments from when I was in better running shape and ran at those track meets in High School. I wish I could go back to when Jason and I used to go places together and he wasn't always getting drunk. I know some of the places we went and the things we used to do weren't always really all that exciting but it's not about where you go with someone. It's who you go with. Sometimes I wish I could just go back in time to when he was still here and change some of the choices he had made when we were together, just so he could still be here, today. 

I still have memories from when Jason and I were together from maybe say, 10 years ago. I have memories from when we were still together 5 years ago. I remember how Jason would go all over different parts of Southeastern Wisconsin, whether it was somewhere in the Milwaukee county, or it was in New Berlin or Muskego and other parts of Waukesha county just to help him clean other people's houses, or do "move ins" or "move outs". I know that job might have gotten old and gross at times, but at least we had each other. I also remember times when we would go out to see local bands perform and we would dance and listen to the music. I just wish I could go back to those times when we had when he wasn't getting out of control with the drinking. And how I would go help him go run errands doing other stuff with him. And I miss doing that stuff with him. I miss going out to eat with him. I miss going to the Wisconsin Dells with him. I miss going on walks through Frame Park and other parts of Waukesha with him. I also have memories from when we were living in Palmyra, and thinking that one day, us living there would also become a memory. I know that I might not have liked having to live out there in the middle of no where, but at least we had each other. I miss how we used to go to carnivals in the summer. I think of how we seemed to do that a lot in our first summer together as a couple in 2011, and I wish those days never had to end. And I miss always having something to do and somewhere to go with him, regardless of  that was and when that was. I miss him being a phone call or a text away, to let him know what I've been up to and what he's been up to. I miss just having him being there in our apartment for me to come home to. I also remember when it was a sunny day in February of  2013, and we were looking at apartments and gyms where we could work out together in West Allis, WI. I remember how we were even living together at West Grove Apartments 6 years ago in Waukesha before the management drove us out of there. I loved that apartment, too. I wish I could take back Jason getting sick at the beginning of 2017. I wish I could take back us having to move out of West Grove apartments. I wish I could take away his addiction to drinking and smoking. I wish we had gone for more walks in Waukesha. I wish he had found other ways to cope with stress.

After all those years we spent together, why did it have to come to an end like it did. After all those years we've spent together, and everything we've been through, why did it have to be this way. I wish I had known more about his medical history, and possibly something I could have done to help him protect his health if need be. Granted, it was probably still his responsibility to make sure he was eating healthy and exercising to maintain a healthy weight. Still his responsibility to quit smoking, no matter how hard it was and not ever give up. I wish he had quit smoking a very long time ago. There's times I do wish, that this didn't have to be my new reality.

I will admit that although I'm with someone new now, and I'm trying to be, it sometimes feels at times like something is missing. And it hasn't always been easy to be with someone new. Especially when they can be a bit rigid and socially awkward at times.